Thursday, 17 May 2018

Being Suicidal as a Young Adult | MHAW18

Disclosure: This post talks heavily about Suicide and feeling Suicidal, please don't read if this content is going to trigger you. I am not promoting Suicide, nor do I agree or disagree with Suicide, this post is purely aimed to educate others.

As a Mental Health Blogger, I feel that no matter how much we want to raise awareness, there is one topic in particular that gets stuck on the tips of our tongues every time we try to address it, the topic that nobody really wants to discuss and that many people don't understand; being Suicidal, and Suicide as a whole. There is still a ridiculous amount of stigma surrounding Suicide but living whilst Suicidal is something that isn't spoken about quite as much.

People seem to think that if you're suicidal, you are going to end your life, which isn't necessarily true. People think that being suicidal is hating your life or wanting a new life, which again isn't necessarily true. Being suicidal is genuinely believing that you will feel better and at peace, if you didn't exist, being suicidal is believing that dying will be less painful than the pain you feel constantly on a daily basis. Being suicidal is wanting to end the pain, not always ending your life, but ending the pain and if it means ending your life, then so be it. To many people, Suicide is an escape from daily torture inside of your own head and although it can be seen as selfish to those around you, wouldn't it be selfish to force an individual who is going through more pain than you could even imagine to live and to continue their life?

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to encourage Suicide because everyone preaches how things can get better but what if they don't? What if this is just how your life is going to be? What if your mindset doesn't improve and you continue to wake up every single day wishing you hadn't?

Being Suicidal isn't easy, it is exhausting and draining, it is your head giving you constant reminders that you'd be better off dead, that things can't hurt this much when you're dead, that you'll have peace and be nothing, there will be silence, you will be gone and nothing will hurt anymore. Being suicidal isn't a choice, you quite literally wake up one day with thoughts that you don't know where they came from in your head, making you believe that the only way to feel better is to be dead. You can be Suicidal and still be able to do everyday things, you have your good days and bad days, some days you'll only think once or twice about ending your life and others, the thought doesn't really leave your head. Some days you waste rotting away in bed because you don't want to risk getting up, doing something self-destructive and disappointing those who love you. Another thing that I have learned, is that the fear of failing Suicide is sometimes enough to stop you attempting Suicide. For me, after many Suicide Attempts, it got to the point where waking up in a hospital bed, hooked to a drip and machines was the worst feeling in the world, I thought that I was going to be gone, I thought it would work and I thought i'd be free at last, but instead, I was laying in a hospital bed feeling even worse than what I did before I engaged in the behaviour and overflowing with guilt because I'd let the people I loved down once again.

Being Suicidal isn't something that just goes away, I have spent years growing up, trying to work out what I want to do with my life, when all I could see myself as in the future was dead. I am still Suicidal, but I am not acting on my thoughts and I am the stablest I have been regarding Suicide Attempts, I do not have plans to end my life, but I don't particularly want this to be my life either. Being Suicidal is something that I have gotten used to, it is something that I have had to grow around and live my life around but it can go away and things can change and for all we know, feeling Suicidal could only be temporary so what is the point in finding a permanent solution to a temporary feeling?


Thank-you for reading, Tay x

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