Monday, 16 April 2018

Stuck but Stable

I was planning on drafting a blog post for this weeks Mental Health Monday but I found that I was just left feeling stuck and unmotivated. I thought that instead I will just write, and see where it takes me. Therefore, I apologise in advance if this post doesn't make much sense but I thought that it is also important to document the negatives of mental illness as well as the positives.

I feel at a point in my life, where I am nothing more than stuck and a little bit lost. I still feel sad and I often feel very suicidal but I am stable, I am silent. I wake up each morning full of suspense over what the day may bring. I go to work, I do my job, I put on a face and I come home from work. I take my medication, I use my skills, I try a whole number of different distraction methods, I eat, I wash, I sleep. I wake up, I go to work, I do my job, I put on a face and I come home from work. I take my medication, I use my skills, I eat, I wash, I sleep.

On some days, I am lucky enough to have the company of my boyfriend, my friends or my family. On others, I am stuck within the four walls of my bedroom, my only friend being my head; full of stress, full of sadness, full of worries. I adore my own company, I can be very content whilst alone, yet too much time alone can be damaging, and then it isn't just the time alone that turns damaging, it's even when you're surrounded by a whole crowd of people, even when you're having a good time and have spent all day distracting yourself, that's when the sadness comes flooding back in.

I am still in services, I still struggle and I even feel worse than what my thirteen year old self felt whilst sitting in a waiting room for her first appointment. I am no longer engaging in regular self destructive behaviours, I am stable, I am strong, I am surviving, so why am I still struggling? Why am I still so sad? Even worse, why do I feel so stuck? So trapped within my own life and my own mind.

I am silent, I am too sad to find the words to describe how I am feeling, the trust that I once had for others has seeped out of me, every person who left, who abandoned me when I needed them most sealed up my trust a little bit more. To my services, I am stable, I am silent, I must be better but they also recognise that I am stuck. 

I am yet to find a purpose of life, a reason to stay in this world. I am trying so hard to find my feet, but every time I try to move forward, attempting to let go of this pain, it finds its way in, and my head fills with doubt. I have so many ambitions, so many things that I want to do, but these things are impossible with a negative mindset. I want to live, I want to enjoy life, I want to recover and I don't want to be stuck within the grips of mental illness any longer.

I hope to become unstuck, I hope to feel free, I hope to be able to start living. I hope that I find my voice again, my energy to explain how I am feeling. I want to be better so desperately, I know that today is just a bad day, I know that not every day is a bad day, I know that I have made some progress over the past eight years, I know that intense emotions can't last for a long time and that our mood and emotions spike up and down. I know that I need to keep going, going backwards in not an option. I know that I will continue to keep going, to keep growing and that I will eventually get to where I need to be. But right now, I am struggling, I am stuck, I am sad and I am silent, but I am also  stable, I am strong and I am surviving. 

Thank-you for reading, Tay x

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