Tuesday, 26 September 2017

To the People I Pushed Away

Throughout my life, I have always valued the people around me, especially my friends. I cherish and care so much about my friends and would do almost anything for them. I don’t remember a time when I took my friends for granted which I think probably begun when I was five years old and lost my best friend. One week we were playing round her house, having so much fun, drinking her special ‘medicine milkshakes’ and the next she was gone, just like that. This was one of the first experiences I had of death and unfortunately this was the start of having a close friend or relative pass away ever single year. However, ever since this occasion I decided that I wouldn’t ever take my friends for granted again because you never know when the last time you are going to see them is, which is quite a big thing to decide when you’re just five years old.

As the years went by, people walked into my life, often friends and many of which soon walked back out of my life but it wasn’t until the recent years that I really started to learn who my true friends were as I became ill and being ill really does show who actually do care and who can be bothered. This was quite a hard time for me as I was already in a very dark place and among all of this, I had friends that were ‘getting bored of me being ill’ and that just cut me out of their lives completely. I would spend night after night wondering what on earth I did wrong but eventually it became the normal and as my illness got worse, I became the one who was cutting people out of my life and completely pushing them away. 

I didn’t want to be cared about, I didn’t want to be helped, I was getting sick of people telling me that things will get better and that they don’t know what to do with me. I was sick of making people worried about me and I was convinced that eventually they’ll get bored of me, so I may as well push them away now. I decided that I no longer wanted to be a ‘pity party’ which most likely wasn’t the case but it sure felt like it and I unintentionally removed all of the people that I care about the most out of my life. 

One of the things that I struggled with the most is how somebody who I was so close with, could stop caring over night and this phrase used to haunt me, I just couldn’t work it out. However, surely I was doing exactly the same thing to others who I really cared about? Although I didn’t do it intentionally, but maybe they didn’t either, perhaps they had their own issues going on and was using the exact same coping mechanism of pushing people away that I was. 

I am now almost twenty, I have four close people in my life; one is my boyfriend, one is my mum, one is a friend that I met in hospital and the last is another friend who I only became close with around a year ago. I know that with relationships and friendships, quality is so much better than quantity and I am so incredibly grateful for the people that I do have, but I do miss my old friends, the people who walked out of my life and the people I pushed away and I regret my choices and can only hope that maybe one day I can start over with them. 

So, to those of you that I pushed away, I am so so sorry. I still care and I honestly do regret my decisions but you must understand that I was in a dark place and just wanted to be gone from this world, without hurting the people I loved. Thank you for being my friends and thank you for all you did for me, as I don’t think I have ever properly said it before. I really appreciate all of your efforts to help and support me and I wouldn’t still be here without you. 

All my love, Tay x

No comments :

Post a Comment

Back to Top